a tale of double lives: a sheet’s perspective
Why go to the trouble of buying two protective sheets, when you can just unfold the one you already have and get twice the coverage? When I made this discovery I was thrilled, though I am ashamed to admit that it took several months to sink in. So today, while my pillows remain effortlessly shielded from a merciless onslaught of avian projectiles, my blanket is simultaneously protected from the bird poop carousel located directly above my bed (commonly known as a ceiling fan).
One never knows a bird’s plan: this much can be said. The first minute they are enjoying a nice perch by the window, admiring the new beans you planted and secretly plotting ways of accessing these mysterious and appealing fruits, and the next they are beaking up the drywall by your headboard, only pausing to relieve themselves on your cherished stuffy or throw pillow below. The value of the item doesn’t matter to them; they will defile each of your belongings with the same vigour and enthusiasm one usually reserves for special occasions, such as bat-mitzvahs or divorce proceedings.
The only way to intercept their destruction is to follow the trail of ruination already occurring. There is no way to know if they will start eating your Himalayan salt lamp or bathing in your freshly-made granola, until they are already doing it. So by this logic, a certain level of demolition will have inevitably transpired. But being the quick-witted individuals that we surely are, we can take immediate steps to prevent further events, such as increasing the square-footage of our existing bedding protection.