behold, the invention of cardboard
Considering how excited these little beans get over houseplant soil, it’s disappointing to have to ruin their fun. It’s a struggle as I want my little ones to be free to follow their hearts’ desires, but I have to draw the line at eating dirt and other similar items that belong in the garbage. We may think our domesticated companions know what’s best for themselves, but the truth is they are so far removed from their wild ancestors, that they would not survive were they to return to the plains of Africa (Banana), the warm climes of the Canaries (Red), the nomadic flocks of Australia (Sky and Yellow), or the arid western coastline of Timor (Puff and Tweedle).
Soil is teeming with fungal spores and bacterial colonies, not to mention toxic fertilizers – none of which should be living in our birds – so it is with a great amount of urgency that I vault across the room when I hear the distinct and unmistakable sound of a beak masticating vermiculite. To make matters worse, I discovered that not only is Banana a hazard to himself, he also offers lessons to the budgies on the finer aspects of soil selection. I can’t be angry, because everyone knows that idle beaks are the devil’s playground, so I need to ensure that all beaks are occupied with appropriate and approved bird-safe items, even if we do disagree on the definitions of those words.
In a desperate attempt at foiling these beaks, I have tried: a) dish towels (so shabby I could hear my property value drop), b) newspapers (those snippy snappers ate right through the editorials into the dirt) and c) bird skirts (merely inconvenient). But shortly after the newspaper debacle I discovered that cardboard had been invented years before (an embarrassing oversight on my part). The results were low-effort but high-function, contrary to all my previous endeavours. My rendition of the design is as follows:
This is just what I did. You might want to measure where the middle of the plant is so you don’t get something like this. But because I’m lazy I just carved a bigger and less attractive hole to fit where the actual plant was. So you basically just make the outer circle as big as your pot… and I’m pretty sure the rest is straightforward.
Don’t forget to cut a line in the cardboard so you can get it around the plant , and poke some holes in it to promote air flow (one doesn’t want to encourage vicious swarms of fungus gnats to set up shop, which some would argue are as difficult to eject as hippies taking up long-term residence upon one’s couch. Which reminds me of a joke I heard: How do you know if a hippie has been to your house? They’re still there. Much like the fungus gnat).
Maybe next week I will have a prettier version, if I find time to play around with it. Some cute fabric might look nice glued over the hideous brown of the cardboard. If you do decide to experiment, just remember to use non-toxic Elmer’s glue, and hide the unfinished seams of your fabric on the underside of the cardboard so no one eats threads.